Uncharted Waters

At first glance when you read the title of this post, you might immediately categorize as negative or sad 

But we could not be more THRILLED to be in "uncharted waters". 

For the first 32 weeks of this pregnancy with Carver's little brother I felt like I was living in a constant state of "déjà vu".

The timeline and time of year correlation are almost exactly the same. I got pregnant with Carver in November of 2022 and then I got pregnant with this little guy in December of 2023. 

Guys, by the time our little double rainbow arrives I'll have been pregnant for 18 out of the past 24 months (and that includes my first pregnancy that ended at 8 weeks). 

So you can understand why I felt like I was in a constant state of déjà vu. 

The first ultrasound.

The first time we heard the heartbeat.

Passing the 12 week mark.

Telling our family and friends. 

Learning the gender. 

Picking a name. 

The first movements.

The anatomy scan. 

The glucose test. 

The shots. 

Building a baby registry.

Picking a nursery theme. 

Planning a baby shower.

And the list just goes on. 

As we reached each of these milestones with this third pregnancy, there was always the looming feeling of "here we are again...will it be any different this time?" 

Will history just repeat itself? 

Will we ever have redemption?

Clearly there were and are still things I need to process and unpack regarding the traumas of the past two years. 

But, in an effort to keep my sanity and to try and enjoy this pregnancy, I subconsciously put all the difficult emotions related to the events of Carver and how those events affected this pregnancy in a jar. Sealed it and refused to deal with them.

It worked for a while, but it had its disadvantages. 

I couldn't write anymore because that meant needing to access those thoughts and feelings. And by now you all know that writing is the way that I process. So you can see how that was a problem. 

I fell back into a lot of my old survival habits and even began to undo some of the progress I had made in therapy over the past year. 

Then it all came to a head this summer and I had a couple of rough weeks as a result. Many times I’d randomly start crying and couldn’t stop. I lost sleep. I was easily triggered. 

But with prayer and a lot of hard work in therapy, I was able to manage it, get through it and come to the realization that I can't simply ignore the emotions and thoughts that are painful. I had to relearn the importance of acknowledging those feelings and dealing with them appropriately so they don't end up robbing me of the joy and peace I was trying to feel anyway. 

But let's get back to the main point of this post. The uncharted waters and the pivotal moments that have drastically changed my mental health for the better in this pregnancy. 

July 20th was a very important and difficult milestone. That was the day I turned 31 weeks and 5 days gestation. This was the same gestational age I was at with Carver when he passed away. 

The week leading up to that day was a difficult one for me emotionally. Fear kept trying to overtake me. But I fought it...hard.

On that same day I got to take the most dreamy and beautiful maternity photos (shout out to Piper Faye Photography).

It was a little hint of redemption to come and oh so special because I had to cancel my maternity photos last time. I never got to have those special pictures with Carver.

But, he actually got to be a part of these photos because my sweet best friend got me a gift card to have a ring made with Carver's ashes.

I wore that ring in the photos. Carver was there with me and his little brother. 

July 27th was the final milestone that had painful memories tied to the events of June 2023.

This was the day of our "Here Comes the Son" baby shower.

Reaching and passing this day with a healthy baby was quite possibly the most emotionally liberating experience I've had to date. 

It was the perfect day. So many loved ones celebrating with us, praying over us and blessing us with generosity as we anxiously await the arrival of our precious double rainbow. 

I truly believe July 27th was THE pivotal moment that changed my emotional and mental health for the better. 

I feel free. 

Fear no longer lurks around corners waiting to overtake me. 

We have finally entered uncharted waters and I couldn’t be happier. 

I am the most pregnant I've ever been. 

With each weekly appointment our little miracle boy continues to thrive. 

There are no more moments of déjà vu. 

No more painful milestones. 

It's as though most of the fear and anxiety surrounding this pregnancy was tied to all those painful memories.

And once I entered the uncharted waters, I was able to leave a lot of it behind. Not all, but most of it. 

I feel so much "lighter" than I have in a very long time. The dense fog has lifted...it's now just a fine mist. 

Each day is a beautiful, wonderful gift from God and we continue to have faith and trust that we WILL have our redemption story very soon.