Strength

Never forget how strong you are.

This is the quote that appears on a beautiful bookmark I keep in my grief & healing journal. This bookmark was given to me by a precious friend I met while in Valencia, Spain last year.

The days I open my journal and write are often the days I feel the most weary and weak. But when I see that bookmark and read the quote “Never forget how strong you are”, I am encouraged.

I remember that I am strong.

People will often tell me “you are so strong,” “I admire your strength,” “your strength is beautiful,” etc.…yet, I often have a hard time recognizing strength in myself.

We tend to define “being strong” as being normal…keeping our emotions in check…being ok in tough situations…facing our triggers…feeling happy…laughing…having fun…

And yes, those are all examples of being strong in the midst of grief, depression, anxiety, etc. However, I have realized something in the last three months…sometimes strength doesn’t always feel or look like strength. Sometimes, God allows our strength to shine in the most unassuming ways.

Sometimes strength is walking away from the darkness rather than letting it surround you.

Sometimes strength is showering and putting on clean clothes when you don’t feel like it.

Sometimes strength is cleaning the house.

Sometimes strength is simply putting one foot in front of the other.

Sometimes strength is allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of others.

Sometimes strength is asking for help.

Sometimes strength is going to church and praising God even if you’re angry at him.

Sometimes strength is making simple, everyday decisions.

Sometimes strength is crying out to God.

Sometimes strength is remembering who or what you lost with a smile.

Sometimes strength is celebrating others even when your own heart is broken.

Sometimes strength is allowing yourself the space to feel the emotions that threaten to overflow.

Sometimes strength is simply choosing to get out of bed in the mornings when you would rather just hide under the covers and cry.

But, there are days when strength DOES feel like strength. Those are the days when strength shows itself through joy, laughter, normalcy, “being ok”, etc.

Those are the best days.

Those are the days you feel strong.

Nevertheless, being “strong” doesn’t invalidate your grief, anxiety, depression, etc. Those feelings are still very real and something many of us deal with daily. Those feelings should never be discredited. They are shaping you. Molding you. You are strong because of those struggles, not in spite of them.

Climbing out of a valley takes emotional and physical fortitude. We often enter those valleys unprepared due to the suddenness of our circumstances. But, we gain experience and strength on the journey. When you reach the mountain top once again, you will be a stronger and wiser person for it…as long as you allow God to be part of that journey. Without God, the journey often stalls somewhere in the valley with bitterness rather than progressing to the top with strength and grace.

This is how we become resilient.

Isaiah 40:31 says “But those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not become weary, they will walk and not faint.”

When I think of this scripture, I think of this picture.

I took this photo on Sand Dollar Island during a sunset cruise my best friend and I went on during a spontaneous girls trip to Treasure Island, Florida back in July.

For me, the lone heron standing so gracefully and strong in the water, silhouetted against the breathtaking sunset is a beautiful allegory of what being strong & trusting God can look like in the midst of the ocean that is my grief, depression & anxiety.

Sometimes I’m standing still, surrounded by my grief. Some days the grief is calm, but other days it comes in crashing waves.

But then…then there are the moments when I am soaring above the waters in the glorious rays of sun that paint the sky, feeling the refreshing warmth of joy enveloping me. Those are the moments I cling to.

This journey has been a difficult one to say the least. But by the grace of God I have the strength to withstand it, to see the beauty in the brokenness, to have hope for the future, and to have faith that God will bless us with our miracle in due time.