Navigating the Dark

Numb. Sad. Angry. Jealous. Empty. FOMO.

The overwhelming, debilitating darkness of depression is an unpredictable, sneaky bastard. Paired with grief, it is sometimes simply too much.

For the past six months, I have been stumbling around in the dark, trying to navigate life without really being able to see.

There were days when it was all I could do to just get out of bed in the morning.

I had to adjust my self-expectations when it came to commitments because I never knew when I was going to wake up with the dense darkness engulfing me, preventing me from following through on commitments I normally had no problem doing. I had to learn to not be hard on myself when that happened and remember that it's ok to not be ok sometimes.

I was in survival mode (again). I only had the capacity to do the bare minimum in order to function.

I would go to bed early. Sleep until the last possible minute before I would get up, run a brush through my hair, throw on decent clothes and rush out the door to work.

Yes, embarrassingly, anything beyond the bare minimum hygiene often took more effort that I cared to give.

I would get through my work day only doing what I had to. Then I'd go home, change into pjs, sit on the couch and hyperfixate on either a book, movie, show or video game. Rinse & repeat with only minor variations.

I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything that required any amount of effort. Even hanging out with friends & family that I love dearly was exhausting.

I rarely felt like cooking. So takeout was the preferred option. The little weight I had managed to lose came back. My self-image was in the toilet. 

But I didn't care.

Eventually my thoughts and feelings became a huge jumbled mess. I often couldn't identify them, much less articulate them. And that meant I couldn't do the one thing that had been my outlet - write. I didn't have the words. I didn't have the mental capacity.

I simply existed.

If you've been there or are still there, I see you. I hear you.

And it's ok.

It's ok to just exist for a while. It's ok to stumble in the darkness.

With depression and/or grief hanging over you, it's completely normal to have spans of darkness so thick that you cannot see anything.

It's normal to see quick glimmers of light here and there, but then return to pitch black.

It's normal to feel too scared or helpless to move so you just remain still in the dark.

And that's ok.

Because, by the grace of God, it WILL get better.

You just have to be patient. Be kind to yourself. Let others guide you by the hand while you cannot see. Let God guide you. Lean on Him. Be vulnerable with Him. Reach out to Him as a child would reach for their mother. Let Him hold you and protect you in the dark.

I promise, one day your eyes will adjust to the darkness so that you can begin to look for the way out and into the light again.

It happened for me. After months & months, my eyes finally adjusted to the dark.

I can function again.

I can see.

I can process what was once too messy to understand.

I can articulate my thoughts and emotions.

I can start searching for the exit.

It might take me a while to find it, but at least I am able to look.

I have begun to enjoy life again.

Don't get me wrong, I still have low days/moments. I still deal with feeling depressed and sad. Because, unfortunately, depression doesn't just go away. It takes time.

But, it's not as smothering anymore.

I can breathe again. 

Praise God.