Again? But why, God?

I know. You’re reading the title and thinking “she’s been through this before?”

Yes and no.

We lost our first baby (Morgan) in an early miscarriage the summer of ‘22. Was that difficult and heartbreaking? Yes. Did I grieve a lot? Yes. Did I experience depression? Yes. Was it the same thing as what we just went through with the loss of our son Carver? No.

But there is a specific, heartbreaking similarity between these two experiences that involves two of my best friends. With my first pregnancy, we excitedly shared the news with our best friends who then told us they were also pregnant. We had fantasized about being pregnant at the same time and it had come true! We could hardly believe it. We were due just days apart. We would get to experience parenthood in step together. Our babies would be besties like us! Then, to our surprise, our new friends also announced they were expecting at the same time. How wild and wonderful it was to have THREE babies arriving in our friend group all within days of each other.

But the excitement was short lived for Chad and myself when I miscarried less than two weeks later.

While we started over in our efforts to have a child, our friends went on to have their beautiful, sweet little boys early in 2023. They are precious reminders of our oldest child who we will one day get to meet.

Right after I turned 30 and just before Christmas of ‘22 we found out I was pregnant with Carver. Overjoyed and thrilled to welcome our rainbow baby the following summer, we shared the news with all our friends after the New Year. Everyone celebrated with us. And then our other best friends told us they were pregnant! Come summer of ‘23 we would have four precious little babies in our friend group - how exciting that was!

Once again due within days of a best friend, I was initially very anxious. The last time these circumstances occurred, it had ended badly for me. It took a little time but I eventually got past that anxiety and was thrilled that I would still get to experience this journey with a friend. And it was a wonderful journey while it lasted. In spite of all that happened, I’m grateful for the bond that formed between us as we progressed in our pregnancies together.

But as you now know, my journey ended abruptly and tragically in the stillbirth of my son.

Now, not only are we grieving the loss of our child, but we’re also grieving (again) the loss of the journey with friends. When the dust had settled, I vividly remember feeling like Chad and I had been on this bus with our friends, on our way to an exciting destination. But then the bus stopped suddenly. We got kicked off and left on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere as the bus continued without us. It was the second time I had felt like this. The only difference was this time we had ridden the bus a lot longer before getting stranded.

Less than two months after Carver was born sleeping, our friends welcomed their beautiful little girl.

For us, it was a very bittersweet arrival. The first time I held her, I could not stop the tears from stinging my eyes. Every time I look at her I’m reminded of what I lost. I love her and her parents dearly, but right now it’s just a little hard. I’ve learned from experience that it does my heart no good for me to avoid those who remind me of the children I’ve lost. So I choose to be brave and face the circumstances because that little girl and her parents deserve all the love and celebration. Eventually, she’ll be a wonderfully precious reminder of her heavenly bestie.

I don’t know why we were forced to take this detour. I don’t know why God allowed this to be part of our story. But what I do know is that God is giving a purpose to this pain and heartbreak. I do know that God is near. Psalm 34:18 states that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”

God is rescuing me - daily. He rescues me from “what if” spirals. He rescues me on the days I struggle to get out of bed. He rescues me when I’m drowning in sorrow. He rescues me when I’m in the pit of despair. He rescues me in those moments when all I want to do is run and hide away from the world. Even when I couldn’t utter a single word in prayer for so many weeks, He still rescued me.

I also know that when we finally do have our rainbow baby, it will be the most beautiful miracle that is a testament to God’s faithfulness and love. And I absolutely cannot wait for that day to arrive.